Dead Cant Rant

In a campaign stop today, John Kerry vowed to end poverty and hunger, and eliminate solar flares. During a policy speech to the United Cappucino Servers of America, Kerry said he “will personally deliver three meals a day to all the children of the world. I will restore hope to the needy by ensuring that all the poor and downtrodden get a fair milkshake.”

“I will reverse the deadly ecological damage done by 40 months of the Bush administration, with their refusal to stem the tide of solar flares that cause constant disruption of American satellite networks and Telemundo broadcasts. Millions of my Latin American brothers and sisters are cheated out of their weekly apportionment of Sabato Gigante. No longer will any DirectTV viewers be excluded from the inherently American political experience by these rogue natural phenomenon.”

Kerry also addressed the growing issue of male sexual dysfunction. “I will personally see to it that there is an erection in every man in America.”